Support4Change Blog

April 2, 2007 

Category: Lesson of a Recovering Perfectionist

By Arlene Harder, MA, MFT
 

Today was my interview on RadioIslam (see the blog immediately below) and it didn’t go as well as I had hoped. I didn’t bomb totally, but I’ve been interviewed on other radio shows and have been pleased with my performance. Not this time.

That why I’ve chosen a butterfly to illustrate this blog. You see, there was one other time, years ago, when I gave a talk to a PTA group that was terrible. (Today wasn’t terrible, just not up to my standards.) I won’t go into the reasons for the earlier failure. Let me just say that I came at the topic from the wrong angle. In the middle of it I knew it was coming out wrong but couldn’t get off the stage (the school cafeteria) ‘cause I still had half an hour to go. Afterwards, I felt so badly about it that I didn’t accept their honorarium.

In any case, in Choosing Each Day’s Focus, class five of my Guided Imagery classes, I explain how I changed a black mood of constant guilt whenever I thought about my “failure” by thinking of butterflies. Guess I need to bring the butterflies back for awhile.

One of the listeners today called in while they were on break for a commercial, for the Girls and Boys Club. She said that what I had to say applied much more to people in the suburbs than their audience, many of whom are African-American Muslims living in Chicago’s inner city. I think she is right. And while I believe much of what I talked about can apply to their audience, I frankly haven’t had the hands-on experience with that community to give them the practical  examples they needed for the application of developmental theory, the topic of the program.

I definitely needed more education about that culture. The experience has now encouraged me to learn more about Muslims, especially in this country. I remain fascinated by the way in which we are divided by religion, yet each of us is merely seeking an answer on how best to respond to the struggles that life puts before us.

Also, I could have done a better job if I had I had a chance to listen to their format before I began.
When I get a chance to be on the radio or TV again, I’ll be more careful to learn about the audience as well as the show’s format. That way I can see whether I would be a good fit.

That said, I thought the man who ran the show, Frederick Al-Deen, did a good job in summing up developmental theory (the topic). He gave much more didactic information than I thought they wanted. If I had known, I could have said approximately what he said. Wish I had.

I wanted, of course, to come out of this feeling like I had been a great guest. Didn’t happen. More than that, I was disappointed that they didn’t get what they wanted.

So this has become another of the if-I-had-known-then-what-I-know-now kind of experiences, which is often hard for us perfectionists. We want to know BEFORE we go into something new just what will happen so we can do it right. Unfortunately, as I learn time after time, life doesn’t work that way. Just hope some of their audience got something from it.

Like other times when I did less well than I expected I would—especially when a performance is out there in public for lots of people to see, or in this case hear—I have to let it go. It is easier tonight than it’s been in the past, but still. Maybe after I’ve done more radio shows and get a bit of practice, I’ll be able to gauge what the audience needs. I was definitely aware that being live is a lot harder than writing, where you can edit as go back as you need to.

One of the things that helps is the realization that I do a lot of things well. I am proud of much of what I do and that balances my disappointment somewhat. Also, I’m learning in my recovery from perfectionism that being ordinary, with all the normal stumbling that comes with it, isn’t so bad. It doesn’t hurt me to bump up against a little humility from time to time.

In the end, what I hoped would be a blog entry saying I was pleased with the show has become another blog in the “lesson of a recovering perfectionist” category. So at least I got that out of it. Maybe my experience will help some other hapless soul who’s beating herself for not doing a job perfectly. And my butterfly is free to anyone who needs it.